Michael J. Hymowitz

You know that feeling you get when something is not quite right? That feeling something is missing, or out of place? And it seems that no matter what you try, or how hard you look, you never ever seem to be find that thing or fix it? And then, just before the point where you stop trying, where throw your hands up in the air, and scream out of despair? That moment?

Pay attention. Something always happens then, that point just before "I can't!"

I was coming up to that point, hard, fast. It kept feeling like new reasons for hope were being given, so many, so often, I felt I couldn't take any more.

And then it happened.

I gave up.

I stopped trying and I started crying.

It was a beautiful morning. Things were finally starting to looking, so I guess it *should* have come as no surprise to hear Maria say, "Michael, honey, what's wrong?"

I turned away from staring out the car window, turned away from trying to hide my tears from her. I turned to Maria.

And then it happened.

"Maria, I've been hurting on the inside so much. I've been feeling so horrible, so wrong for not loving you enough. I keep telling myself 'NOW! Right now I love Maria as much as I possibly can' and in that moment, I'm happy, right? And it's good... but... then a couple of days later I realize that, no, I musta been wrong the day before because *NOW*, right *NOW* I love Maria as much as I possibly can.'"

The morning sun played across her face as she turned the car; it danced with her eyes, it cast diamonds in her hair. She smiled at me that smile, that "Aww" smile -- you know the one, the one that gently rests on top of oceans of love. That smile.

And then it happened.

Without having thought it out, excitedly, I said "I love you more today than I did yesterday because when I love you with all I've got, that's when I'm given more to love you with."

And as we pulled up to that light, -- I swear -- I knew God was with us, I knew he was. He was clapping and dancing, laughing and loving. He was there.

"Michael," her last words to me, as we began to pull up to the on-ramp, "I love you so much. Every day is better than the day before. It just keeps getting beter and better."

I smiled with her as we pulled onto the highway, knowing as we drove into that morning, we were driving in to the future. The future was bright, and wide open.

Maria, it does keep getting better and better. I still love you more with every new day. Maria, I love you.

Current Mood: thankful